when pain remains constant..

got a text message from a friend this morning:

memories play a very confusing role. they make u laugh when u remember the time u cried together...but makes u cry when u remember the time u laughed together....

Things haven't been so good lately. He left for manila a few days ago and left me with a broken heart. The last hug was the worst part. I could feel my heart split into two as he wrapped me in his arms. I was full of tears and he was just calm. We tried to separate in a nice way. Honestly, there's no nice way. You just have to pretend that you're both okay or atleast make it look like you are okay.

As days pass by without him...all i could think of are the memories we had. The times i cried and laughed with him. A day can't pass with out me texting or calling him. 24 hours can't pass without a tear falling from my eyes. It's just so hard to stop my self. It's just so hard not to think of him. After all, he was my one great love. Maybe he still is. I dunno.

You may think I'm weak and I'm stupid...but I don't care. If you can't understand this then I guess you haven't loved or haven't had your "one great love" experience yet. If you've been through it...then by all means judge me.

The whole thing is a process. From being so down to pulling yourself up. It's a work in progress. It amazes me though how other people would force you to move on like set you up and tell you to forget him. Its not that easy. It also amazes me that there are some people who can move on in less than a day. Especially those who find themselves with a different partner right away. This isn't so for my case.

I'd rather mourn more than think of me with someone new. Its not that I refuse to move on. I just want time. Time for myself. Time to think things through. Time to make myself happy again. I want to deal with these emotional baggages that I have first. I dont want to make the person that I will be with suffer because of these ignored issues with myself. So please understand. This is my way of moving on...not yours.

I want to make things right. If I wanna make it right. I have to go through all these. Even if it means crying for him everyday.